I'm not really sure where to start today's post - there have been lots of part posts circulating round my head for the last couple of weeks but nothing has really stood out so apologies this is more a stream of consciousness than a considered post.
In terms of progress report, I've been back in the gym for a few weeks now and I'm really enjoying getting back into something physically active. I've been cycling, cross training and doing a few sneaky jogs (30 second jog, 30 second walk - it seems to take a few 'jog' intervals for the knee to settle where it wants to be to let me do any more at once). Thankfully my cardio capacity has held up pretty well over the last 15 months and I'm slowly cranking up the resistance on the bike. Getting my heart rate up is having a welcome impact on my mental state too. Hello again endorphins. I missed you!!
With the London Marathon taking place towards the end of April, there have been a lot of TV programmes about running and mental health and it's fair to say there have been various examples that have resonated with me. They say ACL rehab is as much a mental game as it is a physical one and, while I'm relatively accepting now that I'm not going to get the absolute result I wanted, I'm also reminded that even in my current state, I can do enough now to release those endorphins, which improves how I manage day-to-day life no end.
Those endorphins are why I've really missed running since the original fix started to fail. Running can be hard work but it inevitably makes me feel so much better afterwards, gives me time to think, helps me manage other conditions and makes my clothes fit better (which makes me happy and less angry with myself. Shallow but true).
Having missed the last week following an energy-zapping virus over the Bank Holiday, I can already feel the negativity starting to creep back in so I'm looking forward to getting back on it from tomorrow.
In terms of physio, I've also made some progress in that I'm moving on from quad sets and step-ups to squats. Woohoo, something different!
This in itself is reminding me just what a head fcuk ACL rehab is. On the one hand, getting back in the gym and doing some short jogs lulls you into a false sense of security that the knee is actually fine and you've been moaning about nothing; on the other, trying to 1/4 squat and not being able to do that properly quickly reminds you that's it's not. How inept do you feel when you can't even manage a quarter squat without wobbling all over the place and nearly falling over, or stopping after two or three because it's uncomfortable and you need a break before you start again? The gym I’m a member of is a bit of a ‘if you haven’t run 5 marathons on 5 continents, you’re nobody’ kind of place and, while I’ve enjoyed seeing some interesting workouts while I’ve been sat on the floor quad setting away, I really, really want a t-shirt that says ‘ACL rehab, not sh1t’ to wear when I’m there!
To add insult to injury, a friend who had her own revision surgery three months after me dropped me a lines this evening asking how I was getting on. When I mentioned I'd progressed on to squats, her reply was: “Haven’t really done squats except at the beginning….” Thanks for that matey, you’ve just reminded me exactly how little progress I’ve made over the last 15 months (Touchy? Me? Much?!)
Anyway, so while it’s undoubtedly important to keep your eyes on the prize in the ACL game, when that gets a bit too depressing, maybe it’s better to focus on the marginal gains and nudging those in the right direction (I think I might be playing some sort of game of sports psychology / sports management BS bingo in this post – don’t forget to shout ‘House’ when you’ve ticked them all off).
While I was an undergrad at Music College, I did an Alexander Technique course that was supposed to help us learn to release physical tension that can inhibit free performance. One of my assessments was an essay on ‘End gaining, inhibition and the means whereby’, looking at those concepts and how over-focus on the end (e.g. getting to the bottom of the stairs) to the detriment of the means whereby (e.g. taking one step at a time) is more likely to result in accidents (or the reoccurrence of physical behaviours/responses we’re trying to eradicate).
In some ways, it seems pertinent to where I am at the moment with the head games and ACL rehab so, for now, I’m going to focus on the means whereby, not the end, focusing on small steps and new behaviours that will take me where I want to be.
Best get back to the squats then…