So today marks one month until my surgery date. Sh1t is beginning to get a bit real. While I’m glad there is another avenue to explore that could sort this knee out properly, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about it. Since the ball started rolling, one minute I’ve been keen to just get on with it, the next I’m waking up in the small hours frankly a bit scared about it all and thinking I probably shouldn’t go ahead. But 3am is never the best time for logical thinking and by morning, I’m usually back in the land of get on with it, even if I still have moments of stomach-flipping apprehension.
There’s something psychologically different about this surgery compared to the ACL and cartilage ops. The best way I can rationalise it is as follows: with the ACLr, RevACLr and cartilage ops, it’s all about fixing or tidying up something that’s already broken. With this one, while the end game is about finally getting a stable knee, this isn’t fixing something that’s already broken, per se, but pro-actively damaging and re-setting part of my body to hopefully create more stability and lay the foundations for a more-successful ACLr down the line if still needed. Kind of breaking something to fix it, rather than simply fixing something that’s broken. It all feels a bit ‘off’ even if the end game is ‘on’.
Anyway, being away this week, I’ve been determined to be as active as possible with the kids while I can, so the brace has travelled and we’ve been up to all sorts: bike rides along the Camel Valley (high 5 to the five year old who managed 22km on his first outing), body boarding, walking along wobbly rope bridges and trekking along the glorious South West coast path. The weather has played ball wonderfully and (touch wood with one day to go), we’ve all escaped physically unscathed (if you don’t count the car sick incident), hearts full, slightly tanned and with lungs full of glorious fresh sea air.
Sat watching the kids jumping in the waves at Trevaunance Cove this afternoon got my mind mulling over what’s to come and the whole purpose of this little exercise, ie not needing to put the brace on just for something as simple as walking down the slip to get to the beach, but to be able to do a whole world of other more interesting things - braceless and without worrying about my knee giving way - once more too.
One of the things physios usually ask when starting the rehab journey is ‘what activities do you need to get back to?’ and I’m genuinely not sure what my response will be at the moment.
Getting back to pre-injury activity levels is obviously a fool’s errand - after all, I’m not 10 any more, nor a competitive gymnast. But it would be great to be in a position where I can go to my daughter’s ‘bring your parents to gym’ day or fly down a zip line without worrying about whether or not the knee is up to it. I’m told there shouldn’t be any restrictions on what sporting activities I can do once everything’s healed up again so that’s positive. In fact, zip lines are going to be my ultimate ‘proof of concept’ test when looking at whether or not we need to the ACL again too, but it scares the bejeese out of me. The Easter blow out has really got into my head like no other and it’s been so long since I’ve been able to do anything ‘fun’ or ‘different’ that I honestly think I’ve forgotten how.
I always saw myself as an active person; someone who competed nationally in gymnastics and trampolining, before doing some dance, then getting into gym and fitness and running half marathons (with zero desire to upgrade to the full distance!) I’d love to get back to the half marathon levels of fitness (even if the process of getting there is far from fun) but I’m not sure if I’ve got the guts to pick up the things I used to love or would have been game to try previously. Plus I’m in my 40s so maybe those boats have sailed.
After I had my youngest, I was at a MummyFIT class when the super fit teacher commented how she’d love to be able to do a handstand. At the time, I just chucked myself up into a handstand and she looked staggered. It never occurred to me that people couldn’t do that but it’s something I’ve always done. Every year, on the beach, I’d do a few handstands and maybe even a cartwheel (before the knee got too sore to try that one anymore). Last year I did my annual handstand and dropped on my head (arms not as strong as they need to be for my bodyweight these days) and this year, I didn’t even try.
That’s pretty rubbish.
Do you give in and age gracefully or set yourself unrealistic goals and have an effective ‘mid life crisis’ activity wise? Join the Mums' netball club? Take up Cross Fit? Go Stand Up Paddle Boarding? Take part in that charity parachute jump? All of these have become an automatic no but will they be/do I want them to be so in the future?
I’ve got so used to living with a dodgy knee that I actually wince watching things that other people take completely for granted too. Cricketer jumping in the air to take a catch? Look away as they land on a single leg and flex it fully to roll over on landing. Surfers skimming on a board across the shoreline? Feel sick that their knee is about to shift and give way beneath them. All of these have become reflex actions - can I unlearn them once my own knee is fixed?
Not sure what the point of this blog is but I’ve always said I’ll be honest about the experience and this is another part of it. What does normal function look like? What do I want it to look like? What’s reasonable for a 40 something Mum of two? And am I even that person any more?
I guess we’re going to find out in the not-too-distant future… Anyway, we arrived back at our holiday home to this rainbow. Science or superstition, maybe it's a sign 😆
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